Monday, August 10, 2009

August 10, 2009 Confused

I hate it when I get so confused. I feel like I am at a turning point in my life. I have been looking for a job for 4 months with no success. And I don't mean casually looking in the paper or the internet. I mean 30 hours a week for 8 weeks faxing, calling, sending resumes, emails, etc looking for work and then the last 8 weeks doing follow-ups to all of the hundreds of resume and applications I have submitted. I feel like its never going to happen. My oldest daughter starts kindergarten in 23 days and the youngest will go to head start two weeks after that, so I will be at home with nothing to do, not even a job!

I have had a crazy thought the last few days. We were watching a movie called Labor Pains and my husband made a comment something along the lines of having another baby and that I look cute pregnant. So it triggered a thought pattern in my head: I want another baby. We have two girls and have desperately wanted a boy. The chances of a boy are 50%, although boys are rare in his family, and his sister has three girls. I would be upset to try again and get another girl. I know it would put us in a financial bind in that we have to buy school uniforms and diapers and such again, but I got so excited yesterday when we were school shopping with my oldest, that I actually caught myself mentally planning for another child.

So, like I said, I am confused. I talked to my husband yesterday and he told me that he doesn't want another child. He told me that he knows that our life would have been better without kids. I know its a thought I often have, but its easy for him to say. He only takes care of them in the evening and weekends, and not even full-time. In the evenings, the only stuff left to do is give them baths and dress them, which I must do because I am the woman. Putting them to be in easy. On the weekends, the only time he is with them alone is if I fall asleep or go out. The total time he spends actually taking care of them full-time is less than 3 hours each week. And even then, he sets them down for a movie and plays his video games or checks the internet.

So, maybe I am thinking about another baby because I am soon to be lonely at home. Or maybe it is a geniune feeling of wanting three children, and trying once more for the boy. No matter what, if we had another child I would get operated after the birth. I won't have 4 children!

Any advice would be appreciated!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

August 5, 2009

Right now, I feel so tired its unreal. What are the doctors thinking when they want to put someone on medication that will make them feel drowsy all the time? I will never understand.

I went to a real orchard over the weekend to pick my own fruit. We got 13 pounds of peaches and a pint of blackberries. It was a nice experience. And the next day my oldest daughter got her ears pierced. She was really excited and didn't cry at all.

Today was the first day I had to take Xanax. I was on the brink of a panic attack thanks to my kids! Now I feel like a zombie. I really hate depending on meds to make myself happy and calm, but at the same time feeling like crap.

Less than a month until school starts!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

July 29, 2009 - Anxiety Building

We are now down to 37 days until school starts. My oldest is going to kindergarten, and my youngest is on a waiting list for K3. We only have two uniform bottoms for the oldest, and nothing for the younger one. We did buy a backpack for the oldest and she was so excited.

I cannot believe that she has grown so fast! It feels like just the other day that we brought her home from the hospital and spent the night at the in-laws to make sure we were doing everything right, and now she is grown and going to kindergarten. I can only imagine what I am going to feel on that first day of school. I hope she can handle it without incident. Her pyschologist is suggesting ADHD, but since she has never been in a classroom before, its hard to tell right now. I really hope that she settles down in school and does well. I think if she gets a good teacher, then she will do fine. She is really intelligent and I'm afraid that other kids will feel intimidated by her. All sorts of ideas and worst-case scenarios are circling in my head. Only time will tell, but I think that once Christmas break gets here we will have a better idea as to how she will tolerate a school environment.

As for me, the meds are starting to regulate. I still feel drowsy alot, and some days are worse than others. I haven't cried in two weeks, which is a record for me. I feel more stable. On bad days, I feel lethargic and bored. On good days, I am playing with the kids, doing arts and crafts with them, doing two days worth of housework in one day, and being in a generally calm and good mood. I guess time will be the true judge of my progress.

Me and my husband are making plans for the next 4 years. Next year, we want to take the girls to Florida. We are going to go to Disney, Universal Studios, and the Kennedy Space Center. After that, we are going to save our money for the next 3 years, and on our 10th Wedding Anniversary, we want to take a cruise, but we cannot decide between Northern Europe and the Mediterranean. I guess we have plenty of time to decide.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

July 23, 2009 - Much Better

I thought that today was going to be stressful. Past experiences have shown me that going out with my girls is always risky business. They are too hyper to be calm anywhere.

But, I got up this morning without a problem. I was motivated, not necessarily energized, just motivated. I cooked breakfast for my daughters, which is a first for a while. I usually just give them a bowl of cereal or a bagel, but today I cooked eggs and toast for them with apple juice. Afterwards, I had to run some errands. So I got them dressed, completely stress-free, and then we went to the bank. They were good in the car and were rewarded with lollipops from the bank teller. Then, we headed to the thrift store to see what bargains we could find. I bought 11 books, 4 big toys, and some other miscellaneous stuff, all for $5! I was excited. I got alot of really good books, some brand new. Next door to the thrift store is the more pricey area of the same store. I went in there looking for bikes and I couldn't believe my eyes. Goodwill (which is the store I was at) was trying to sell a used bike for $150!! I have seen the same bikes at Walmart for $100. So, no bike.

Amazingly enough, they were good in the thrift store, earning them toys, a few books, and some lollipops from Walmart.

When I was preparing to leave the store, my youngest told me that she had to use the bathroom. Okay, normal behavior, so I walked with her in there, only to discover a horrid suprise...She had pooped in her underwear! I had to clean her up in the bathroom stall and quickly wash the excess off the underwear in the bathroom faucet. I didn't want anyone to see it. It was one of those embarrasing mommy moments. But I remained calm and collected the whole time. The old me would have been yelling and panicked. But we made it home without incident, and the rest of the day sailed on nice and smooth. I am in contact with a coordinator to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity. I cannot wait to get started. I think that volunteering, teamed with my counseling, support groups, and meds will be a great start to the new me. Hopefully I will get vefry active with volunteering and once my girls go to school in the fall, I can ween myself off the meds and function normally, because I will be too busy to be sad!

Now the girls are in bed, dreaming with the faeries, and I am going to have a snack!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

July 22, 2009 - Stomach Flu and Dirty House

Its a combination of bad and bad. First, the meds are still kicking my ass. Then, my husband gets the stomach flu on Sunday afternoon. Its inevitable that when you live in a small house of 4 people, that everyone is eventually going to get sick. So, my oldest daughter got sick Sunday night. I got sick Monday night, and my other daughter got sick a few hours after me. It was such a mess, I ended up hand-washing most of the sheets and hanging them out the window to dry. Today, I still feel incredibly bad. I still feel nauseous and the meds still keep me in a daze. Will I ever feel better? I went to WIC this morning for my re-certification. My younger daughter Selene is in the 33 percentile for height, and 32 for weight, so she is proportionate, a little below average. I liken her to a dwarf, like her paternal grandfather, short and stubby. I love her to death, she is the cuddle bug. I think we both got sick at the same time because while I was resting, she crawled on the couch next to me and took a nap. At least, both of my girls are no cured and jumping around like nothing ever happened. I wish I could rebound so fast. Our trip to NYC this weekend had to be cancelled. Our budget relies on my husband's unreliable hours, and since he didn't make enough hours last week, we can't go. We are really bummed about it. I was looking forward to the 3 hour drive through scenic territory and seeing his family for the first time since our wedding 6 years ago. It would have been a nice weekend trip, but we are pushing it until later this summer, hopefully.So far, the medication seems to be working on the depression. I haven't cried since Saturday, which is something of a record for me. I am still dazed, and I hope that these secondary side effects will go away so I can just feel good. The sleep aid is working great, I sleep good at night and I don't wake up feeling groggy like I used to. The anxiety is a problem for me still. I have been feeling anxious, but I haven't taken the medication for it yet because I heard that oral contraceptives increase their effectiveness. So I am going to talk to the psychiatrist first to see what I can do. So with the side effects and the stomach flu, I have not cleaned my house in three days! I managed to get the trash out this morning, but the floor needs swept and mopped, girls room needs cleaning, and I need to pick up the shredded paper and clothing they have left around. I have so much to clean and I do not feel strong enough to even raise my head. Maybe by tomorrow or Friday I will be strong enough, then I will have the house to do and laundry. The life of a mother!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

July 19, 2009 -- New Meds and Sick Hubby

I started taking some medication yesterday. One is for my depression, and the other for sleep disorders. The depression one made me feel dizzy, shaky, drowsy, and then goofy. I wanted to laugh at everything, its really weird. And the sleeping one knocked me out for twelve hours last night. It definetely helped me sleep, but I cannot afford to sleep so much. My girls were really hyper today. They wouldn't give us any rest! My husband has a stomach flu, poor guy. He called off work tomorrow. I wish I could find a job so that our income wouldn't be so tight. Why won't someone give me a job? I'm not some sort of scum off the streets. I am a high school graduate, which I suspect is hard to find around here. I have lots of skills, just no jobs around. The only thing that I see happening is alot of big shot politicians and bankers got comfortable ripping people off, and now the economy is screwed up and we are the ones paying for it.

I am reading a book about the Gnostic Gospels. Very interesting. If I were Christian, I think I would be a Gnostic Christian. They have alot of the same beliefs that I have. And they were one of the original sects of the faith and have been called heretics.

I can't think of anything else. Tomorrow, my daughter is resuming her therapy for PTSD and I have counseling and P/A support group, so hopefully it will be a good day. It will be the first day I go out and do normal things under the influence of an anti-depressant. Lets see.

Friday, July 17, 2009


Hello everyone.
I would like to introduce myself. I am Cathy, a 25 year old stay-at-home mom of two girls, ages 5 and 3. I have suffered depression most of my life and through a series of unfortunate events, my mental illness have gotten worse. I am writing this blog as a way to vent my thoughts, connect with others who struggle with mental health issues, and has a way to heal the wounds of my past for the sake of my wonderful girls. I will include anything and everything in this blog and I will try to stay faithful to it, writing every night if I can make the time. I will make jokes, I will review movies and books, I will talk about my kids, I will talk about my experiences with medication (which I am just starting to take), and I will talk about anything else that comes into my head. I am very intelligent, literate, and a student of life, so who know what I will write next. Welcome to my blog! May you find solace here. :D