August 10, 2009 Confused

I hate it when I get so confused. I feel like I am at a turning point in my life. I have been looking for a job for 4 months with no success. And I don't mean casually looking in the paper or the internet. I mean 30 hours a week for 8 weeks faxing, calling, sending resumes, emails, etc looking for work and then the last 8 weeks doing follow-ups to all of the hundreds of resume and applications I have submitted. I feel like its never going to happen. My oldest daughter starts kindergarten in 23 days and the youngest will go to head start two weeks after that, so I will be at home with nothing to do, not even a job!

I have had a crazy thought the last few days. We were watching a movie called Labor Pains and my husband made a comment something along the lines of having another baby and that I look cute pregnant. So it triggered a thought pattern in my head: I want another baby. We have two girls and have desperately wanted a boy. The chances of a boy are 50%, although boys are rare in his family, and his sister has three girls. I would be upset to try again and get another girl. I know it would put us in a financial bind in that we have to buy school uniforms and diapers and such again, but I got so excited yesterday when we were school shopping with my oldest, that I actually caught myself mentally planning for another child.

So, like I said, I am confused. I talked to my husband yesterday and he told me that he doesn't want another child. He told me that he knows that our life would have been better without kids. I know its a thought I often have, but its easy for him to say. He only takes care of them in the evening and weekends, and not even full-time. In the evenings, the only stuff left to do is give them baths and dress them, which I must do because I am the woman. Putting them to be in easy. On the weekends, the only time he is with them alone is if I fall asleep or go out. The total time he spends actually taking care of them full-time is less than 3 hours each week. And even then, he sets them down for a movie and plays his video games or checks the internet.

So, maybe I am thinking about another baby because I am soon to be lonely at home. Or maybe it is a geniune feeling of wanting three children, and trying once more for the boy. No matter what, if we had another child I would get operated after the birth. I won't have 4 children!

Any advice would be appreciated!

August 5, 2009

Right now, I feel so tired its unreal. What are the doctors thinking when they want to put someone on medication that will make them feel drowsy all the time? I will never understand.

I went to a real orchard over the weekend to pick my own fruit. We got 13 pounds of peaches and a pint of blackberries. It was a nice experience. And the next day my oldest daughter got her ears pierced. She was really excited and didn't cry at all.

Today was the first day I had to take Xanax. I was on the brink of a panic attack thanks to my kids! Now I feel like a zombie. I really hate depending on meds to make myself happy and calm, but at the same time feeling like crap.

Less than a month until school starts!