2010 in Review, A Personal Perspective

Well, I must say that 2010 has been the worst year I have had in a long time.  It has been mired by personal tragedy, illness, death, and a never-ending stream of struggles.  I look forward to 2011, because I believe that it will be one of my best years so far.  That having been said, I felt like offering my personal perspective on some of the events that happened around the world in 2010.  I know there is alot I left out, but lets just work with what I could remember.  And just as a disclaimer, I am not out to offend anyone but my opinion tends to insult at least a few people at any given time.  Sorry.

The United Nations designated 2010 as the International Year of Youth.  I suppose I am still in my youth, although 27 feels older every day. 

On January 12, a 7.0 magnitude earthquake struck Port Au Prince, Haiti.  As happens many times, people all over the world pretend that other countries like this are all a bad dream, that a place so poverty-stricken could not possibly exist in the 21st century.  But that day, we learned once again that places like Haiti are everywhere.  The world poured aid and money into Haiti to help the millions who were made homeless by the earthquake.  Now in December, most people don't remember why Haiti was in the news.  Most didn't even think twice about the country, or the fact that famine and disease now run rampant, just like colonial times.

 
On April 14, Eyjafjallajokull erupted. I know the name sounds like someone had marbles in their mouth.  I pride myself on being the only English speaking person within a 1,000 miles who could properly pronounce that name.  I speak of the Icelandic volcano that wrecked havoc on Northern Europe.  Flights were canceled and thousands of people were stranded without any indication of if and when the volcano would ease up.  I personally took great satisfaction in this event.  Man sometimes grows too power-hungry and arrogant and needs to be reminded of where they stand in the grand scheme.  Life eventually returned to normal and most people forgot all about that lonely volcano in the land of fire and ice.

6 days after the volcano erupted, tragedy struck closer to home.  On April 20, an explosion on the Deep Water Horizon oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico caused the worst oil spill that has been seen since Exxon Mobil.  There isn't much I can say about this.  It made me sick and it made me hate these big businesses who sacrifice everything in the name of capitalism.  The picture speaks for itself.

On a more positive subject, from June 11 through July 11 the world marveled once again at World Cup Soccer.  As an American, I wasn't raised with soccer.  I was raised on 'football' instead of 'futbol'.  However, I enjoy futbol much more than any other sport.  It also helps that I speak and understand Spanish.  I tried to watch the World Cup as narrated by British commentators and it lacked the passion necessary to narrate the game.  But the Spanish commentators were much more lively.  GGGGOOOOOLLLLL!  I love it!  And the final game was incredible.  The entire tournament was full of amazing plays, sexy players, and intense rivalry.  Spain triumphed in the end, Spain are the only team that has won the World Cup title after losing its opening game. Spain are only the second team to win a World Cup outside their own continent. Spain is also the first European team to win the World Cup outside of Europe.

The last event of 2010 that really inspired me was the Total Lunar Eclipse on December 21.  I am always awed by these celestial events, but this one was more special than most.  It occurred on the Winter Solstice, a Holy Day to my faith. This is the first time such a thing has happened since 1638.  And lucky me, I could see the whole thing from my bedroom window, sparing me from having to stand outside in freezing temperatures.

Some notable people died this year as well.  Ronnie James Dio died of stomach cancer at the age of 67.  Originally, the announcement of his death was a hoax.  But sadly within a few hours of the posting, it was revealed to be true.  And people really took it hard.  One commentator on Blabbermouth went as far as posting the following: "Nostradamus foretold the death of Dio as the final sign of the apocalypse: "When the keeper of dragons and rainbows passes from this world, so shall this world pass into darkness and fire.""
Not sure I would stretch it that far, but humans have a wild imagination.  Also dead this year:  Leslie Nielson, Elizabeth Edwards, Gary Coleman, and Dennis Hopper.  May the all find peace.

The top grossing movies of 2010 were: Toy Story 3, Alice in Wonderland*, HP and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1, Inception, Shrek Forever After*, Twilight: Eclipse*, Iron Man 2, Despicable Me*, How to Train Your Dragon*, Clash of the Titans*.  The ones with asterisks next to them are ones I saw.  I don't have the energy to write much in the way of opinions for them, except to say that 2010 was a slow year for movies.  2011 promises to be full of must-see films that I look forward to seeing!

2011, one more year until 2012.  I have an opinion about this 'end of the year' stuff in regards to 2012, but I will save it for another entry.  Stay tuned...

My faith

My faith is a tricky thing to explain.  Even if you are open to other perspectives, its sometimes hard to understand another's faith because its not your own and you cannot read another's mind.  So, I am going to attempt to write a thing or two about my faith.  This is a faith I came to on my own.  I was not raised in this faith and I was never exposed to it as a child, although I now know that it was there and it was just waiting for a name. 

As a child, I loved to be outside.  If there was a tree near, I would climb it.  If the weather was nice, I would be outside playing or just sitting (or laying) in the grass.  When it rained, I loved to be outside and feel it falling on my face.  Somehow, all of the things in nature felt special to me.  They held a special place in my heart.  I loved the field trips to the petting zoo, I loved my teacher's bucket full of tadpoles.  At the age of 9, I took my first hiking trip.  It was in Whiskeytown, Northern CA.  I was at a week-long environmental camp in the woods.  This was my first experience walking in the wild.  I learned how to swim on this trip.  I learned in a pool at the base of a waterfall.  I was awestricken at the awesomeness of the nature around me.  All of the experiences in the natural world helped to cement my faith.  I have never been and never will be an atheist.  There is a Creator and whoever they are, they did a marvelous job! 

By the time I entered middle school, I was exploring religion.  I didn't have much exposure to it at home, so I was curious (naturally ;)) My grandmother had ordered me a Bible correspondence course, so I worked on it and it was good to learn something I didn't know before.  It was the course that set me on my path.  I joined a church with some friends from my school.  Over the next several years, I attended services with friends at most of the denominations.  It was my home church that helped to make up my mind about Christianity.  I was encouraged to ignore everything about the world, including my 'earthly' parents.  When my family wanted to go out and do something, I would argue and say no because I had Missionettes.  The youth pastor of that church used money and field trips as a way to keep us near the church.  It wasn't until a few years later (after I left the church) that I discovered that he was a child molester.  He was molesting the other girls in our youth group.

But please be aware, this isn't the only thing that turned me away from Christianity.  People often tell me that I should not blame the whole faith for the fault of one.  And that is true.  But many different things happened of the years that have shown me that there are other ways to express yourself and believe.  As a result of my time in the Christian faith, I became fanatical.  I believed that there is only two ways in the world, God or the Devil.  I even believed that kissing before marriage was a sin.  So, after leaving the church I went the only way I thought I could go, to the Devil.  I bought and read the Satanic Bible.  But, as an extension of Christianity, it didn't make any sense to me.  To me, Christianity and Satanism are opposite sides of the same coin. 

So after becoming hopeless with either faith, I became confused.  I knew their was Something, I could feel it all around me.  I could feel it in the wind, in the sun on my face, in the rain.  I could hear it in the sea, in the thunder.  I could see it all around me.  My love of history and my curiosity eventually led me to learn that the Old Faiths were alive and well, albeit not completely 'mainstream'.  Paganism is where I found my home. 

My various experiences in my brief life have cemented me as a polytheist.  I have not chosen one type of Paganism over the other.  I have studied most of them in great depth, and they all hold truth and common denominators.  Each God is representative of the next, and they intertwine.  And I believe very strongly that you do not necessarily have to ask for Their help.  They help those who really want to be helped, even if you don't ask. 

Isis came to me at a time in my life when I was learning how to be a wife and mother.  I didn't have a good example to learn from growing up.  But Isis gave me comfort and guidance and I believe very strongly that She has helped me become the loving wife and mother I now am. 

Thor came to me at a time in my life when I was learning how to channel my inner strength into positive venues.  I remember the exact moment I met Thor.  I was still living at home in Texas.  There was a thunderstorm coming.  I had loved thunderstorms for as long as I could remember.  I remember seeing it coming and feeling so much energy, it was exhilarating.  So I sat in the storm with the rain coming down and I held my sword in my lap and gave myself to the experience.  From that time on, I manage to stay strong when the world walks all over me.

These things may not make sense to anyone, maybe some of it makes sense to you, but thats the beauty of it.  Its my faith and its the one thing in the world that cannot be taken away from me.

My post-Christmas Vision

Christmas Day was very hard for me.  It was a bittersweet time for the following reasons: This was the first year in several years that we actually bought a Christmas tree and had the means to fill it with presents.  My daughter's received a lot of very useful presents and they enjoyed themselves.  It wasn't very festive for me though.  I didn't receive anything, but worse than not getting anything material was the horrible feeling of emptiness I felt.  I have just lost my brother to suicide and my aunt to a rapid brain cancer.  I had a lot of stress related to our car repair.  And on Christmas Eve, I began to get sick.  I don't know what it was, but it was probably just a little stomach virus, followed by my surprise menstrual cycle that doesn't cooperate, and now I have some sort of Irritable Bowel Syndrome episode.  I feel physically terrible, mentally exhausted, and in need of a huge spiritual boost.  I comfort myself reading the Icelandic Sagas and the posts on my friend's Isis facebook page.  And this is where the story turns.

The day after Christmas in the wee hours of the morning, I began to dream.  I saw myself completely rearranging my house.  The computer and desk were moved to my bedroom and the major furniture in the attic was moved away and the attic was transformed into a sacred space.  I saw myself sitting there in silence and receiving the peace I had prayed for. 

So, acting on this vision, me and my husband moved the computer and desk, which now sits in my bedroom.  And I am trying to muster the strength to clean out the attic and donate what doesn't belong.  I plan to build an altar up there and make it a place I can go for quiet and for peace.  This will be the first time in almost 3 years that I have had an altar to pray at.  According to my faith, I do not need an altar to pray or to worship.  I prefer to do these things outdoors and in the woods, but this time of year I prefer to not stand in the cold.  Its selfish, I know.  And the altar is less of a place to worship than it is a place of meditation.  On it, I will place items that will help me to focus the positive influences in my life.  I will place my statue of Isis, who reassures me that I am a good mother and I can survive anything.  I will place my statue of a muscled man, who I have likened to Thor, and who has taught me to channel my inner strength into positive ventures.  I can also place things like artificial flowers to remind myself of the coming spring, a bowl of water to remind me of the soothing motions of the sea, and other things that may inspire me over time. 

Its Been A Long Time

I have rediscovered my blog! I cannot believe it has been over a year since I last wrote here. I think I need to start writing again, I really need it. In an effort to shorten the update of the last year, I am going to make a list of everything that has happened over the last year and if you want to know more specifics, drop me a line.
I last wrote in August 2009. It is now December 2010, the day after Christmas.
We moved out of our small 1 bedroom apartment and into a 2 bedroom row house with a yard and a finished attic, now I am much more comfortable.
My oldest daughter survived kindergarten and did very well academically. Her PTSD gave us some trouble, but she has responded well to therapy. My youngest daughter is in her second year of Head Start and she loves school. It will be her turn for kindergarten next year and she is as excited as I am. In November of this year, my brother Robert committed suicide. Two weeks ago, my Aunt died from brain cancer. She was only diagnosed a few months ago, and it had an almost immediate effect. So with all of the grief I have endured, it wasn't a very nice Christmas. I just got over a stomach virus, so I spent part of the day in bed, feeling sad and too tired to do much of anything.

Over the last year, I attended therapy on a weekly basis and I attended a support group for women with depression. Everything was going great and I felt for the first time in years that I had my depression under control. I quite taking medication about a year ago in an effort to conceive child number three. Now, a year later I have learned that I have a condition called PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and my chances of having a child are next to nothing. I have also had to quite therapy since my health insurance has ran out and there is no cheap insurance available. And my support group is also no more, since I cannot take my children with me and I have no one available to watch them. My husband switched jobs, which makes us more or less financially stable, but still underemployed.

My children are more or less behaved. Their behavior has improved over this last year, and there are slightly more respondent to simple requests made of them and they help me more around the house. They are even excited sometimes to learn how to do new things like dishes or helping me cook. My little one Selene is especially helpful and has such a beautiful heart. She will serve people drinks, even if they don't ask for them, and she will defend her older sister will a fierceness that is very becoming of her warrior side. She is my little Valkyrie. I am proud of the way my girls are growing up. There is still much to teach them and many dangers in the world to prepare them for.

I know that 2011 will be a much better year, and I see myself doing great things next year. When the girls start school in the fall, I will be going to college to study Respiratory Therapy, which after two years can land me in a career make 50K a year. I cannot wait to finally break the chains of poverty. I deserve it!

August 10, 2009 Confused

I hate it when I get so confused. I feel like I am at a turning point in my life. I have been looking for a job for 4 months with no success. And I don't mean casually looking in the paper or the internet. I mean 30 hours a week for 8 weeks faxing, calling, sending resumes, emails, etc looking for work and then the last 8 weeks doing follow-ups to all of the hundreds of resume and applications I have submitted. I feel like its never going to happen. My oldest daughter starts kindergarten in 23 days and the youngest will go to head start two weeks after that, so I will be at home with nothing to do, not even a job!

I have had a crazy thought the last few days. We were watching a movie called Labor Pains and my husband made a comment something along the lines of having another baby and that I look cute pregnant. So it triggered a thought pattern in my head: I want another baby. We have two girls and have desperately wanted a boy. The chances of a boy are 50%, although boys are rare in his family, and his sister has three girls. I would be upset to try again and get another girl. I know it would put us in a financial bind in that we have to buy school uniforms and diapers and such again, but I got so excited yesterday when we were school shopping with my oldest, that I actually caught myself mentally planning for another child.

So, like I said, I am confused. I talked to my husband yesterday and he told me that he doesn't want another child. He told me that he knows that our life would have been better without kids. I know its a thought I often have, but its easy for him to say. He only takes care of them in the evening and weekends, and not even full-time. In the evenings, the only stuff left to do is give them baths and dress them, which I must do because I am the woman. Putting them to be in easy. On the weekends, the only time he is with them alone is if I fall asleep or go out. The total time he spends actually taking care of them full-time is less than 3 hours each week. And even then, he sets them down for a movie and plays his video games or checks the internet.

So, maybe I am thinking about another baby because I am soon to be lonely at home. Or maybe it is a geniune feeling of wanting three children, and trying once more for the boy. No matter what, if we had another child I would get operated after the birth. I won't have 4 children!

Any advice would be appreciated!

August 5, 2009

Right now, I feel so tired its unreal. What are the doctors thinking when they want to put someone on medication that will make them feel drowsy all the time? I will never understand.

I went to a real orchard over the weekend to pick my own fruit. We got 13 pounds of peaches and a pint of blackberries. It was a nice experience. And the next day my oldest daughter got her ears pierced. She was really excited and didn't cry at all.

Today was the first day I had to take Xanax. I was on the brink of a panic attack thanks to my kids! Now I feel like a zombie. I really hate depending on meds to make myself happy and calm, but at the same time feeling like crap.

Less than a month until school starts!

July 29, 2009 - Anxiety Building

We are now down to 37 days until school starts. My oldest is going to kindergarten, and my youngest is on a waiting list for K3. We only have two uniform bottoms for the oldest, and nothing for the younger one. We did buy a backpack for the oldest and she was so excited.

I cannot believe that she has grown so fast! It feels like just the other day that we brought her home from the hospital and spent the night at the in-laws to make sure we were doing everything right, and now she is grown and going to kindergarten. I can only imagine what I am going to feel on that first day of school. I hope she can handle it without incident. Her pyschologist is suggesting ADHD, but since she has never been in a classroom before, its hard to tell right now. I really hope that she settles down in school and does well. I think if she gets a good teacher, then she will do fine. She is really intelligent and I'm afraid that other kids will feel intimidated by her. All sorts of ideas and worst-case scenarios are circling in my head. Only time will tell, but I think that once Christmas break gets here we will have a better idea as to how she will tolerate a school environment.

As for me, the meds are starting to regulate. I still feel drowsy alot, and some days are worse than others. I haven't cried in two weeks, which is a record for me. I feel more stable. On bad days, I feel lethargic and bored. On good days, I am playing with the kids, doing arts and crafts with them, doing two days worth of housework in one day, and being in a generally calm and good mood. I guess time will be the true judge of my progress.

Me and my husband are making plans for the next 4 years. Next year, we want to take the girls to Florida. We are going to go to Disney, Universal Studios, and the Kennedy Space Center. After that, we are going to save our money for the next 3 years, and on our 10th Wedding Anniversary, we want to take a cruise, but we cannot decide between Northern Europe and the Mediterranean. I guess we have plenty of time to decide.

July 23, 2009 - Much Better

I thought that today was going to be stressful. Past experiences have shown me that going out with my girls is always risky business. They are too hyper to be calm anywhere.

But, I got up this morning without a problem. I was motivated, not necessarily energized, just motivated. I cooked breakfast for my daughters, which is a first for a while. I usually just give them a bowl of cereal or a bagel, but today I cooked eggs and toast for them with apple juice. Afterwards, I had to run some errands. So I got them dressed, completely stress-free, and then we went to the bank. They were good in the car and were rewarded with lollipops from the bank teller. Then, we headed to the thrift store to see what bargains we could find. I bought 11 books, 4 big toys, and some other miscellaneous stuff, all for $5! I was excited. I got alot of really good books, some brand new. Next door to the thrift store is the more pricey area of the same store. I went in there looking for bikes and I couldn't believe my eyes. Goodwill (which is the store I was at) was trying to sell a used bike for $150!! I have seen the same bikes at Walmart for $100. So, no bike.

Amazingly enough, they were good in the thrift store, earning them toys, a few books, and some lollipops from Walmart.

When I was preparing to leave the store, my youngest told me that she had to use the bathroom. Okay, normal behavior, so I walked with her in there, only to discover a horrid suprise...She had pooped in her underwear! I had to clean her up in the bathroom stall and quickly wash the excess off the underwear in the bathroom faucet. I didn't want anyone to see it. It was one of those embarrasing mommy moments. But I remained calm and collected the whole time. The old me would have been yelling and panicked. But we made it home without incident, and the rest of the day sailed on nice and smooth. I am in contact with a coordinator to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity. I cannot wait to get started. I think that volunteering, teamed with my counseling, support groups, and meds will be a great start to the new me. Hopefully I will get vefry active with volunteering and once my girls go to school in the fall, I can ween myself off the meds and function normally, because I will be too busy to be sad!

Now the girls are in bed, dreaming with the faeries, and I am going to have a snack!
Blessings!

July 22, 2009 - Stomach Flu and Dirty House

Its a combination of bad and bad. First, the meds are still kicking my ass. Then, my husband gets the stomach flu on Sunday afternoon. Its inevitable that when you live in a small house of 4 people, that everyone is eventually going to get sick. So, my oldest daughter got sick Sunday night. I got sick Monday night, and my other daughter got sick a few hours after me. It was such a mess, I ended up hand-washing most of the sheets and hanging them out the window to dry. Today, I still feel incredibly bad. I still feel nauseous and the meds still keep me in a daze. Will I ever feel better? I went to WIC this morning for my re-certification. My younger daughter Selene is in the 33 percentile for height, and 32 for weight, so she is proportionate, a little below average. I liken her to a dwarf, like her paternal grandfather, short and stubby. I love her to death, she is the cuddle bug. I think we both got sick at the same time because while I was resting, she crawled on the couch next to me and took a nap. At least, both of my girls are no cured and jumping around like nothing ever happened. I wish I could rebound so fast. Our trip to NYC this weekend had to be cancelled. Our budget relies on my husband's unreliable hours, and since he didn't make enough hours last week, we can't go. We are really bummed about it. I was looking forward to the 3 hour drive through scenic territory and seeing his family for the first time since our wedding 6 years ago. It would have been a nice weekend trip, but we are pushing it until later this summer, hopefully.So far, the medication seems to be working on the depression. I haven't cried since Saturday, which is something of a record for me. I am still dazed, and I hope that these secondary side effects will go away so I can just feel good. The sleep aid is working great, I sleep good at night and I don't wake up feeling groggy like I used to. The anxiety is a problem for me still. I have been feeling anxious, but I haven't taken the medication for it yet because I heard that oral contraceptives increase their effectiveness. So I am going to talk to the psychiatrist first to see what I can do. So with the side effects and the stomach flu, I have not cleaned my house in three days! I managed to get the trash out this morning, but the floor needs swept and mopped, girls room needs cleaning, and I need to pick up the shredded paper and clothing they have left around. I have so much to clean and I do not feel strong enough to even raise my head. Maybe by tomorrow or Friday I will be strong enough, then I will have the house to do and laundry. The life of a mother!

July 19, 2009 -- New Meds and Sick Hubby

I started taking some medication yesterday. One is for my depression, and the other for sleep disorders. The depression one made me feel dizzy, shaky, drowsy, and then goofy. I wanted to laugh at everything, its really weird. And the sleeping one knocked me out for twelve hours last night. It definetely helped me sleep, but I cannot afford to sleep so much. My girls were really hyper today. They wouldn't give us any rest! My husband has a stomach flu, poor guy. He called off work tomorrow. I wish I could find a job so that our income wouldn't be so tight. Why won't someone give me a job? I'm not some sort of scum off the streets. I am a high school graduate, which I suspect is hard to find around here. I have lots of skills, just no jobs around. The only thing that I see happening is alot of big shot politicians and bankers got comfortable ripping people off, and now the economy is screwed up and we are the ones paying for it.

I am reading a book about the Gnostic Gospels. Very interesting. If I were Christian, I think I would be a Gnostic Christian. They have alot of the same beliefs that I have. And they were one of the original sects of the faith and have been called heretics.

I can't think of anything else. Tomorrow, my daughter is resuming her therapy for PTSD and I have counseling and P/A support group, so hopefully it will be a good day. It will be the first day I go out and do normal things under the influence of an anti-depressant. Lets see.