Monday, January 17, 2011

My Wonderful Husband

Despite my previous posts, let me state that my husband has in no way ever held me back from doing anything I felt I needed to do.  I have held myself back.  My husband has encouraged me to follow my heart, he has supported me and has had immense patience with me during my darkest hours when I have not wanted to be touched or bothered.

As a friend of mine so perfectly put it, I won the lottery with my husband.  We first met when he replied to a discussion that I was involved in on a Metallica website.  I was a sophomore in high school and I was just discovering different kinds of music.  It has been so long now, I cannot remember what the discussion was.  Later that same day, he wrote me an email.  The email detailed a dream he had about me and a dragon.  I was a little spooked at first.  After all, this seemed a little crazy.  But I have never been one to judge, so I wrote back.  That first email began a long conversation that lasted many years.  We talked about everything; our tastes in different kinds of music, religion, philosophy, history, life in general.  After a year or so, we sent each other our first snail-mail letters, including pictures.  This was before the days of Facebook and MySpace, and sharing pictures was not what it now is.  So I sent a silly picture of me wearing a NASA shirt standing in front of my high school.  He sent me a picture of him standing in his living room in front of a very beautiful wallpaper that showed a mountain stream.  My first impression was excitement.  A man who fit my ideal physical desire was interested in me?  He was tall, had long dark hair, the features you read about in romance novels.  I thought this was too good to be true, so in my mind it remained a fantasy. 

I know what you are thinking.  Long-distance internet relationships never work out.  Well, we did not want a relationship in the beginning.  We were just good friends.  I had about 100 good internet friends back then.  I even had a globe on my dresser where I would put pushpins in the locations of the world where I knew people.  I know, I'm a geek.  So this internet friendship continued and I dated other people, as he also did.  It wasn't until my senior year of high school that it had become more serious.  It was at that point that I begin to feel the pull on my heart.  I had just emerged from a year long relationship that I thought had been going good.  So, being the curious person I am, I began talking more and more with my exotic friend in the Caribbean.  Fate must have stepped in, because we mutually decided to finally meet each other.  It was a perfect time, I was graduating from high school and he was about to begin his yearly vacation period from work.  So he bought me a plane ticket, and very nervously I boarded the plane and went to Puerto Rico for a planned 6 weeks vacation.  He was going to show me the sights and introduce me to his family.  I stayed at his families house during the whole trip.  There isn't many words I can use to describe my trip except breath-taking.  It was stimulating to me in many ways.  I was in the oldest city in America visiting my idea of a dream man.  I know, silly little girl talk but all true.

To make a very long story short, after my trip I returned home, but that tug never went away.  I moved to Puerto Rico, got a job and began building my future.  A year after arriving in Puerto Rico, we were married on August 15, 2003 in Ft. Myers, Florida.  People said it wouldn't last.  Those same people who said that it wouldn't last suffered divorce and hardship in their own marriages.  Karma?  Perhaps.  You cannot judge what you really do not understand.

7 years later, there is no doubt in my mind.  We will spend the rest of our lives together, and I regret that we will not have more than one lifetime.  I love him more than anything.  He has helped me through every aspect of our lives.  He has been a wonderful and very active father to our beautiful daughters.  Intellectually, physically, sexually, everything, he is my match. 

I look forward to growing old with you, my love.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

My Life, Or Lack Thereof

Its the year 2011.  I am 27 years old.  If you looked at me from an intellectual standpoint, you would think I was the CEO of a major organization who helps third world countries develop sustainable resources, or an astronaut working for NASA.  I wish. 

Its been almost 10 years since I graduated from high school.  During my junior and senior years at Arlington High School, I was full of hope.  I was almost 18, that magical number that every teenager yearns for.  "Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, I'm free at last."  I was courting many different colleges, all of them out-of-state of course.  I dreamed of going to college in a new city and making a great life for myself.  Marriage and kids wasn't in the picture, or so I thought.  Its funny how life works out.  A year and some months after graduation, I found myself married and pregnant, with no immediate plans for college.  I had let my best friend in the whole world go off to college in a new city without me.  And I moved to a tropical island that I thought would be the start of a new life for myself, but I wasn't too sure.

Long story short, here I am at the age of 27 and the only thing I have to show for it are 7 years of marriage and two kids.  I look at people who graduated from high school with me and I see things like engineers, teachers, chefs, film makers, nurses, football players, musicians, financial counselors, naval officers, marines, (did I miss anyone?).  In comparison, I feel like a big nobody!

I choose to be a stay-at-home mom (or did the universe choose it for me?).  A noble profession?  Perhaps.  They say the children are our future.  I hear stories all the time about mothers who work full time doing what they love and their children are being raised by nannies, and as those children grow they become strangers to their own parents.  There are good days and bad days.  There are days when I want to hold my children close and I am extremely proud of myself for making the enormous sacrifice to stay at home with my children (and the weak economy has kept me unemployed).  Other days, I want to kick myself in the ass for not staying single and living life to the fullest and doing whatever I wanted to do.  I would have loved to work for NASA, although now I would be looking for another job.  I would have loved to be an archaeologist or a writer, or something that would make me famous.  I want to be remembered for something spectacular.  "Hey, it's Catherine, remember her?  She was the one who discovered that lost tribe in the Andes."  Wishful thinking I know, but I still want it. 

In an effort to prevent myself from being a total loser, this fall I have plans on enrolling in Respiratory Therapy.  Its a 2 year program that could yield 45K a year starting.  That would be more money than me or my husband have ever made in one year combined.  I think I could live with that. :) 

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Finally Recovering

I finally know why I have been so sick these last two weeks.  Yesterday, I felt like I was going to die so I went to the ER, despite not having health insurance.  They must have thought it was pretty bad, because they wheeled me back pretty fast.  Next followed blood and urine tests, a sonogram, and a CT scan of my abdomen.  Within 2 hours, they had a culprit.  I had a urinary tract infection and a blockage in one of the arteries leading into my left kidney.  They set me up with an IV of antibiotics and sent a urine sample to a lab to determine what bacteria caused the infection in my kidney.  My own research into the condition has shown me two possible causes, Staph or E.Coli bacteria.  I won't know until my tests come back.  So for now I am resting and taking my medicine.  Its very hard to rest when I have so many responsibilities, but my girls have been great and Arwen even made dinner for herself and her sister.  I love it that they are older now!

I hope everyone is doing good.  Say your prayers of thanks tonight for health, happiness, and prosperity.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Some Days, I Really Hate My Life

Today was one of those days.  I have been sick since Christmas Eve and without health insurance I cannot even go to the doctor.  So I have been trying to use a combination of Pepto, chicken brother, and rest.  It was okay over the holiday because I had the time I needed to rest.  There were days I could get out of bed and do stuff and other days where I was either confined to the bedroom or the bathroom.  Well today was just a sad sign of things to come. 

I am the only person in my household who drives.  My husband knows vaguely how to drive, but he doesn't not have a license.  I have been okay with doing all of the driving because it means that I have the car in case of emergencies.  But today, I just needed to rest.

I went to the grocery store and I felt like I was going to faint.  To make matters worse, the cashier was very slow in ringing up my order.  I have been a cashier before, so I usually cut them some slack but today I felt like death was breathing down my neck and all I wanted to do was finish up and drop my husband at work so I could go home and lay down.  I didn't have many things, and half of it was WIC.  Now, in case you don't know the WIC voucher procedure, its simple.  You take the WIC voucher, make sure it is still valid by verifying the dates.  Next you check the items you have with the items on the voucher.  You enter the "First Day of Use" and then the "Last Day of Use".  Then you scan the items, write the value on the voucher and done.  All I had was 2 gallons of milk, and $6 worth of fruit.  This guy took 20 minutes to figure out my WIC, and this was before he even touched my other items.  I was standing there the whole time trying not to pass out.  I was with my little daughter Selene who is only 4 and I don't want to know what would happen if I fainted in the store.  My husband was over in the customer service counter, so I was alone.  He finally finished ringing me up and I hurried out of there as fast as I could wobble.  I took my husband to work and went straight home.  I took my remedy of chicken broth and laid down.

The point of this rant is that some days, I am tired of being the only one who manages the entire household.  Errands, bills, to and from school/work, more errands, more things to do.  And I do them single-handedly, which is usually fine.  But when I am this sick, the world does not stop for me.  I must do my duties, no matter how badly I feel.  Its despairing to me and I hate it.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Some Much Needed Energy

At last, I have come into a day where I had all of the energy I needed to finish up some projects, some chores, and still had some energy left over.  Normally, by this time of night I am ready for it to be 8 so my girls can go to bed and I can cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie.  But its 6:17 P.M. and I am still energized and want to do something else.  And I think I know where this boost came from. 

I spoke earlier of the vision I had of converting my attic into sacred space.  Well, that same day, we moved the computer out of their and I started working.  This morning I woke up feeling much better and motivated.  I got some laundry started and I went upstairs with my radio in hand to begin my work.  I thought I would get a small portion done.  But to my amazement, I finished phase one!  I cleaned the floor and folded all of the summer clothes and stored them away, and made a huge pile of donations.  Then I vacuumed the floor. 

The next phase of this project will be to find a suitable table to be the altar and find any other artifacts that will make the space peaceful.  I believe that I was given a little boost of divine motivation, and with it I ran!  I think that if I put even a little bit of effort into my devotion, I will see great things in return.

2011 looks to be a great year.  I am going back to school this year, my youngest one will start kindergarten and as long as our finances remain as they are, both girls will start extracurricular activities at the recreation center in the spring.  Life is looking good.