For my brother

I never said goodbye.

 The Fall

Forever seems so far
Forever seems so cold
Forever cries the heart
Forever yearns the soul
When all the angels
Fly far from thee
When demons dance
In dream….
When all these words
Don’t seem to form
What are these words
Without your soul
Forever lights the stars
Forever haunts the ghost
When all the angels
Fly far from thee
When demons dance
In dream….
Fall down on me
We’ll fly into the night
Fall down on me
We’ll fly into the night
And now it seems our worlds have grown
We’re in a place we’ve never known
Just know where darkness falls
Then forever comes the stars
When all the angels
Fly far from thee
When demons dance
In dream….
Fall down on me
We’ll fly into the night
Fall down on me
We’ll fly into the night

My Wonderful Husband

Despite my previous posts, let me state that my husband has in no way ever held me back from doing anything I felt I needed to do.  I have held myself back.  My husband has encouraged me to follow my heart, he has supported me and has had immense patience with me during my darkest hours when I have not wanted to be touched or bothered.

As a friend of mine so perfectly put it, I won the lottery with my husband.  We first met when he replied to a discussion that I was involved in on a Metallica website.  I was a sophomore in high school and I was just discovering different kinds of music.  It has been so long now, I cannot remember what the discussion was.  Later that same day, he wrote me an email.  The email detailed a dream he had about me and a dragon.  I was a little spooked at first.  After all, this seemed a little crazy.  But I have never been one to judge, so I wrote back.  That first email began a long conversation that lasted many years.  We talked about everything; our tastes in different kinds of music, religion, philosophy, history, life in general.  After a year or so, we sent each other our first snail-mail letters, including pictures.  This was before the days of Facebook and MySpace, and sharing pictures was not what it now is.  So I sent a silly picture of me wearing a NASA shirt standing in front of my high school.  He sent me a picture of him standing in his living room in front of a very beautiful wallpaper that showed a mountain stream.  My first impression was excitement.  A man who fit my ideal physical desire was interested in me?  He was tall, had long dark hair, the features you read about in romance novels.  I thought this was too good to be true, so in my mind it remained a fantasy. 

I know what you are thinking.  Long-distance internet relationships never work out.  Well, we did not want a relationship in the beginning.  We were just good friends.  I had about 100 good internet friends back then.  I even had a globe on my dresser where I would put pushpins in the locations of the world where I knew people.  I know, I'm a geek.  So this internet friendship continued and I dated other people, as he also did.  It wasn't until my senior year of high school that it had become more serious.  It was at that point that I begin to feel the pull on my heart.  I had just emerged from a year long relationship that I thought had been going good.  So, being the curious person I am, I began talking more and more with my exotic friend in the Caribbean.  Fate must have stepped in, because we mutually decided to finally meet each other.  It was a perfect time, I was graduating from high school and he was about to begin his yearly vacation period from work.  So he bought me a plane ticket, and very nervously I boarded the plane and went to Puerto Rico for a planned 6 weeks vacation.  He was going to show me the sights and introduce me to his family.  I stayed at his families house during the whole trip.  There isn't many words I can use to describe my trip except breath-taking.  It was stimulating to me in many ways.  I was in the oldest city in America visiting my idea of a dream man.  I know, silly little girl talk but all true.

To make a very long story short, after my trip I returned home, but that tug never went away.  I moved to Puerto Rico, got a job and began building my future.  A year after arriving in Puerto Rico, we were married on August 15, 2003 in Ft. Myers, Florida.  People said it wouldn't last.  Those same people who said that it wouldn't last suffered divorce and hardship in their own marriages.  Karma?  Perhaps.  You cannot judge what you really do not understand.

7 years later, there is no doubt in my mind.  We will spend the rest of our lives together, and I regret that we will not have more than one lifetime.  I love him more than anything.  He has helped me through every aspect of our lives.  He has been a wonderful and very active father to our beautiful daughters.  Intellectually, physically, sexually, everything, he is my match. 

I look forward to growing old with you, my love.

My Life, Or Lack Thereof

Its the year 2011.  I am 27 years old.  If you looked at me from an intellectual standpoint, you would think I was the CEO of a major organization who helps third world countries develop sustainable resources, or an astronaut working for NASA.  I wish. 

Its been almost 10 years since I graduated from high school.  During my junior and senior years at Arlington High School, I was full of hope.  I was almost 18, that magical number that every teenager yearns for.  "Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, I'm free at last."  I was courting many different colleges, all of them out-of-state of course.  I dreamed of going to college in a new city and making a great life for myself.  Marriage and kids wasn't in the picture, or so I thought.  Its funny how life works out.  A year and some months after graduation, I found myself married and pregnant, with no immediate plans for college.  I had let my best friend in the whole world go off to college in a new city without me.  And I moved to a tropical island that I thought would be the start of a new life for myself, but I wasn't too sure.

Long story short, here I am at the age of 27 and the only thing I have to show for it are 7 years of marriage and two kids.  I look at people who graduated from high school with me and I see things like engineers, teachers, chefs, film makers, nurses, football players, musicians, financial counselors, naval officers, marines, (did I miss anyone?).  In comparison, I feel like a big nobody!

I choose to be a stay-at-home mom (or did the universe choose it for me?).  A noble profession?  Perhaps.  They say the children are our future.  I hear stories all the time about mothers who work full time doing what they love and their children are being raised by nannies, and as those children grow they become strangers to their own parents.  There are good days and bad days.  There are days when I want to hold my children close and I am extremely proud of myself for making the enormous sacrifice to stay at home with my children (and the weak economy has kept me unemployed).  Other days, I want to kick myself in the ass for not staying single and living life to the fullest and doing whatever I wanted to do.  I would have loved to work for NASA, although now I would be looking for another job.  I would have loved to be an archaeologist or a writer, or something that would make me famous.  I want to be remembered for something spectacular.  "Hey, it's Catherine, remember her?  She was the one who discovered that lost tribe in the Andes."  Wishful thinking I know, but I still want it. 

In an effort to prevent myself from being a total loser, this fall I have plans on enrolling in Respiratory Therapy.  Its a 2 year program that could yield 45K a year starting.  That would be more money than me or my husband have ever made in one year combined.  I think I could live with that. :) 

Finally Recovering

I finally know why I have been so sick these last two weeks.  Yesterday, I felt like I was going to die so I went to the ER, despite not having health insurance.  They must have thought it was pretty bad, because they wheeled me back pretty fast.  Next followed blood and urine tests, a sonogram, and a CT scan of my abdomen.  Within 2 hours, they had a culprit.  I had a urinary tract infection and a blockage in one of the arteries leading into my left kidney.  They set me up with an IV of antibiotics and sent a urine sample to a lab to determine what bacteria caused the infection in my kidney.  My own research into the condition has shown me two possible causes, Staph or E.Coli bacteria.  I won't know until my tests come back.  So for now I am resting and taking my medicine.  Its very hard to rest when I have so many responsibilities, but my girls have been great and Arwen even made dinner for herself and her sister.  I love it that they are older now!

I hope everyone is doing good.  Say your prayers of thanks tonight for health, happiness, and prosperity.

Some Days, I Really Hate My Life

Today was one of those days.  I have been sick since Christmas Eve and without health insurance I cannot even go to the doctor.  So I have been trying to use a combination of Pepto, chicken brother, and rest.  It was okay over the holiday because I had the time I needed to rest.  There were days I could get out of bed and do stuff and other days where I was either confined to the bedroom or the bathroom.  Well today was just a sad sign of things to come. 

I am the only person in my household who drives.  My husband knows vaguely how to drive, but he doesn't not have a license.  I have been okay with doing all of the driving because it means that I have the car in case of emergencies.  But today, I just needed to rest.

I went to the grocery store and I felt like I was going to faint.  To make matters worse, the cashier was very slow in ringing up my order.  I have been a cashier before, so I usually cut them some slack but today I felt like death was breathing down my neck and all I wanted to do was finish up and drop my husband at work so I could go home and lay down.  I didn't have many things, and half of it was WIC.  Now, in case you don't know the WIC voucher procedure, its simple.  You take the WIC voucher, make sure it is still valid by verifying the dates.  Next you check the items you have with the items on the voucher.  You enter the "First Day of Use" and then the "Last Day of Use".  Then you scan the items, write the value on the voucher and done.  All I had was 2 gallons of milk, and $6 worth of fruit.  This guy took 20 minutes to figure out my WIC, and this was before he even touched my other items.  I was standing there the whole time trying not to pass out.  I was with my little daughter Selene who is only 4 and I don't want to know what would happen if I fainted in the store.  My husband was over in the customer service counter, so I was alone.  He finally finished ringing me up and I hurried out of there as fast as I could wobble.  I took my husband to work and went straight home.  I took my remedy of chicken broth and laid down.

The point of this rant is that some days, I am tired of being the only one who manages the entire household.  Errands, bills, to and from school/work, more errands, more things to do.  And I do them single-handedly, which is usually fine.  But when I am this sick, the world does not stop for me.  I must do my duties, no matter how badly I feel.  Its despairing to me and I hate it.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Some Much Needed Energy

At last, I have come into a day where I had all of the energy I needed to finish up some projects, some chores, and still had some energy left over.  Normally, by this time of night I am ready for it to be 8 so my girls can go to bed and I can cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie.  But its 6:17 P.M. and I am still energized and want to do something else.  And I think I know where this boost came from. 

I spoke earlier of the vision I had of converting my attic into sacred space.  Well, that same day, we moved the computer out of their and I started working.  This morning I woke up feeling much better and motivated.  I got some laundry started and I went upstairs with my radio in hand to begin my work.  I thought I would get a small portion done.  But to my amazement, I finished phase one!  I cleaned the floor and folded all of the summer clothes and stored them away, and made a huge pile of donations.  Then I vacuumed the floor. 

The next phase of this project will be to find a suitable table to be the altar and find any other artifacts that will make the space peaceful.  I believe that I was given a little boost of divine motivation, and with it I ran!  I think that if I put even a little bit of effort into my devotion, I will see great things in return.

2011 looks to be a great year.  I am going back to school this year, my youngest one will start kindergarten and as long as our finances remain as they are, both girls will start extracurricular activities at the recreation center in the spring.  Life is looking good.

2010 in Review, A Personal Perspective

Well, I must say that 2010 has been the worst year I have had in a long time.  It has been mired by personal tragedy, illness, death, and a never-ending stream of struggles.  I look forward to 2011, because I believe that it will be one of my best years so far.  That having been said, I felt like offering my personal perspective on some of the events that happened around the world in 2010.  I know there is alot I left out, but lets just work with what I could remember.  And just as a disclaimer, I am not out to offend anyone but my opinion tends to insult at least a few people at any given time.  Sorry.

The United Nations designated 2010 as the International Year of Youth.  I suppose I am still in my youth, although 27 feels older every day. 

On January 12, a 7.0 magnitude earthquake struck Port Au Prince, Haiti.  As happens many times, people all over the world pretend that other countries like this are all a bad dream, that a place so poverty-stricken could not possibly exist in the 21st century.  But that day, we learned once again that places like Haiti are everywhere.  The world poured aid and money into Haiti to help the millions who were made homeless by the earthquake.  Now in December, most people don't remember why Haiti was in the news.  Most didn't even think twice about the country, or the fact that famine and disease now run rampant, just like colonial times.

 
On April 14, Eyjafjallajokull erupted. I know the name sounds like someone had marbles in their mouth.  I pride myself on being the only English speaking person within a 1,000 miles who could properly pronounce that name.  I speak of the Icelandic volcano that wrecked havoc on Northern Europe.  Flights were canceled and thousands of people were stranded without any indication of if and when the volcano would ease up.  I personally took great satisfaction in this event.  Man sometimes grows too power-hungry and arrogant and needs to be reminded of where they stand in the grand scheme.  Life eventually returned to normal and most people forgot all about that lonely volcano in the land of fire and ice.

6 days after the volcano erupted, tragedy struck closer to home.  On April 20, an explosion on the Deep Water Horizon oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico caused the worst oil spill that has been seen since Exxon Mobil.  There isn't much I can say about this.  It made me sick and it made me hate these big businesses who sacrifice everything in the name of capitalism.  The picture speaks for itself.

On a more positive subject, from June 11 through July 11 the world marveled once again at World Cup Soccer.  As an American, I wasn't raised with soccer.  I was raised on 'football' instead of 'futbol'.  However, I enjoy futbol much more than any other sport.  It also helps that I speak and understand Spanish.  I tried to watch the World Cup as narrated by British commentators and it lacked the passion necessary to narrate the game.  But the Spanish commentators were much more lively.  GGGGOOOOOLLLLL!  I love it!  And the final game was incredible.  The entire tournament was full of amazing plays, sexy players, and intense rivalry.  Spain triumphed in the end, Spain are the only team that has won the World Cup title after losing its opening game. Spain are only the second team to win a World Cup outside their own continent. Spain is also the first European team to win the World Cup outside of Europe.

The last event of 2010 that really inspired me was the Total Lunar Eclipse on December 21.  I am always awed by these celestial events, but this one was more special than most.  It occurred on the Winter Solstice, a Holy Day to my faith. This is the first time such a thing has happened since 1638.  And lucky me, I could see the whole thing from my bedroom window, sparing me from having to stand outside in freezing temperatures.

Some notable people died this year as well.  Ronnie James Dio died of stomach cancer at the age of 67.  Originally, the announcement of his death was a hoax.  But sadly within a few hours of the posting, it was revealed to be true.  And people really took it hard.  One commentator on Blabbermouth went as far as posting the following: "Nostradamus foretold the death of Dio as the final sign of the apocalypse: "When the keeper of dragons and rainbows passes from this world, so shall this world pass into darkness and fire.""
Not sure I would stretch it that far, but humans have a wild imagination.  Also dead this year:  Leslie Nielson, Elizabeth Edwards, Gary Coleman, and Dennis Hopper.  May the all find peace.

The top grossing movies of 2010 were: Toy Story 3, Alice in Wonderland*, HP and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1, Inception, Shrek Forever After*, Twilight: Eclipse*, Iron Man 2, Despicable Me*, How to Train Your Dragon*, Clash of the Titans*.  The ones with asterisks next to them are ones I saw.  I don't have the energy to write much in the way of opinions for them, except to say that 2010 was a slow year for movies.  2011 promises to be full of must-see films that I look forward to seeing!

2011, one more year until 2012.  I have an opinion about this 'end of the year' stuff in regards to 2012, but I will save it for another entry.  Stay tuned...

My faith

My faith is a tricky thing to explain.  Even if you are open to other perspectives, its sometimes hard to understand another's faith because its not your own and you cannot read another's mind.  So, I am going to attempt to write a thing or two about my faith.  This is a faith I came to on my own.  I was not raised in this faith and I was never exposed to it as a child, although I now know that it was there and it was just waiting for a name. 

As a child, I loved to be outside.  If there was a tree near, I would climb it.  If the weather was nice, I would be outside playing or just sitting (or laying) in the grass.  When it rained, I loved to be outside and feel it falling on my face.  Somehow, all of the things in nature felt special to me.  They held a special place in my heart.  I loved the field trips to the petting zoo, I loved my teacher's bucket full of tadpoles.  At the age of 9, I took my first hiking trip.  It was in Whiskeytown, Northern CA.  I was at a week-long environmental camp in the woods.  This was my first experience walking in the wild.  I learned how to swim on this trip.  I learned in a pool at the base of a waterfall.  I was awestricken at the awesomeness of the nature around me.  All of the experiences in the natural world helped to cement my faith.  I have never been and never will be an atheist.  There is a Creator and whoever they are, they did a marvelous job! 

By the time I entered middle school, I was exploring religion.  I didn't have much exposure to it at home, so I was curious (naturally ;)) My grandmother had ordered me a Bible correspondence course, so I worked on it and it was good to learn something I didn't know before.  It was the course that set me on my path.  I joined a church with some friends from my school.  Over the next several years, I attended services with friends at most of the denominations.  It was my home church that helped to make up my mind about Christianity.  I was encouraged to ignore everything about the world, including my 'earthly' parents.  When my family wanted to go out and do something, I would argue and say no because I had Missionettes.  The youth pastor of that church used money and field trips as a way to keep us near the church.  It wasn't until a few years later (after I left the church) that I discovered that he was a child molester.  He was molesting the other girls in our youth group.

But please be aware, this isn't the only thing that turned me away from Christianity.  People often tell me that I should not blame the whole faith for the fault of one.  And that is true.  But many different things happened of the years that have shown me that there are other ways to express yourself and believe.  As a result of my time in the Christian faith, I became fanatical.  I believed that there is only two ways in the world, God or the Devil.  I even believed that kissing before marriage was a sin.  So, after leaving the church I went the only way I thought I could go, to the Devil.  I bought and read the Satanic Bible.  But, as an extension of Christianity, it didn't make any sense to me.  To me, Christianity and Satanism are opposite sides of the same coin. 

So after becoming hopeless with either faith, I became confused.  I knew their was Something, I could feel it all around me.  I could feel it in the wind, in the sun on my face, in the rain.  I could hear it in the sea, in the thunder.  I could see it all around me.  My love of history and my curiosity eventually led me to learn that the Old Faiths were alive and well, albeit not completely 'mainstream'.  Paganism is where I found my home. 

My various experiences in my brief life have cemented me as a polytheist.  I have not chosen one type of Paganism over the other.  I have studied most of them in great depth, and they all hold truth and common denominators.  Each God is representative of the next, and they intertwine.  And I believe very strongly that you do not necessarily have to ask for Their help.  They help those who really want to be helped, even if you don't ask. 

Isis came to me at a time in my life when I was learning how to be a wife and mother.  I didn't have a good example to learn from growing up.  But Isis gave me comfort and guidance and I believe very strongly that She has helped me become the loving wife and mother I now am. 

Thor came to me at a time in my life when I was learning how to channel my inner strength into positive venues.  I remember the exact moment I met Thor.  I was still living at home in Texas.  There was a thunderstorm coming.  I had loved thunderstorms for as long as I could remember.  I remember seeing it coming and feeling so much energy, it was exhilarating.  So I sat in the storm with the rain coming down and I held my sword in my lap and gave myself to the experience.  From that time on, I manage to stay strong when the world walks all over me.

These things may not make sense to anyone, maybe some of it makes sense to you, but thats the beauty of it.  Its my faith and its the one thing in the world that cannot be taken away from me.

My post-Christmas Vision

Christmas Day was very hard for me.  It was a bittersweet time for the following reasons: This was the first year in several years that we actually bought a Christmas tree and had the means to fill it with presents.  My daughter's received a lot of very useful presents and they enjoyed themselves.  It wasn't very festive for me though.  I didn't receive anything, but worse than not getting anything material was the horrible feeling of emptiness I felt.  I have just lost my brother to suicide and my aunt to a rapid brain cancer.  I had a lot of stress related to our car repair.  And on Christmas Eve, I began to get sick.  I don't know what it was, but it was probably just a little stomach virus, followed by my surprise menstrual cycle that doesn't cooperate, and now I have some sort of Irritable Bowel Syndrome episode.  I feel physically terrible, mentally exhausted, and in need of a huge spiritual boost.  I comfort myself reading the Icelandic Sagas and the posts on my friend's Isis facebook page.  And this is where the story turns.

The day after Christmas in the wee hours of the morning, I began to dream.  I saw myself completely rearranging my house.  The computer and desk were moved to my bedroom and the major furniture in the attic was moved away and the attic was transformed into a sacred space.  I saw myself sitting there in silence and receiving the peace I had prayed for. 

So, acting on this vision, me and my husband moved the computer and desk, which now sits in my bedroom.  And I am trying to muster the strength to clean out the attic and donate what doesn't belong.  I plan to build an altar up there and make it a place I can go for quiet and for peace.  This will be the first time in almost 3 years that I have had an altar to pray at.  According to my faith, I do not need an altar to pray or to worship.  I prefer to do these things outdoors and in the woods, but this time of year I prefer to not stand in the cold.  Its selfish, I know.  And the altar is less of a place to worship than it is a place of meditation.  On it, I will place items that will help me to focus the positive influences in my life.  I will place my statue of Isis, who reassures me that I am a good mother and I can survive anything.  I will place my statue of a muscled man, who I have likened to Thor, and who has taught me to channel my inner strength into positive ventures.  I can also place things like artificial flowers to remind myself of the coming spring, a bowl of water to remind me of the soothing motions of the sea, and other things that may inspire me over time. 

Its Been A Long Time

I have rediscovered my blog! I cannot believe it has been over a year since I last wrote here. I think I need to start writing again, I really need it. In an effort to shorten the update of the last year, I am going to make a list of everything that has happened over the last year and if you want to know more specifics, drop me a line.
I last wrote in August 2009. It is now December 2010, the day after Christmas.
We moved out of our small 1 bedroom apartment and into a 2 bedroom row house with a yard and a finished attic, now I am much more comfortable.
My oldest daughter survived kindergarten and did very well academically. Her PTSD gave us some trouble, but she has responded well to therapy. My youngest daughter is in her second year of Head Start and she loves school. It will be her turn for kindergarten next year and she is as excited as I am. In November of this year, my brother Robert committed suicide. Two weeks ago, my Aunt died from brain cancer. She was only diagnosed a few months ago, and it had an almost immediate effect. So with all of the grief I have endured, it wasn't a very nice Christmas. I just got over a stomach virus, so I spent part of the day in bed, feeling sad and too tired to do much of anything.

Over the last year, I attended therapy on a weekly basis and I attended a support group for women with depression. Everything was going great and I felt for the first time in years that I had my depression under control. I quite taking medication about a year ago in an effort to conceive child number three. Now, a year later I have learned that I have a condition called PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and my chances of having a child are next to nothing. I have also had to quite therapy since my health insurance has ran out and there is no cheap insurance available. And my support group is also no more, since I cannot take my children with me and I have no one available to watch them. My husband switched jobs, which makes us more or less financially stable, but still underemployed.

My children are more or less behaved. Their behavior has improved over this last year, and there are slightly more respondent to simple requests made of them and they help me more around the house. They are even excited sometimes to learn how to do new things like dishes or helping me cook. My little one Selene is especially helpful and has such a beautiful heart. She will serve people drinks, even if they don't ask for them, and she will defend her older sister will a fierceness that is very becoming of her warrior side. She is my little Valkyrie. I am proud of the way my girls are growing up. There is still much to teach them and many dangers in the world to prepare them for.

I know that 2011 will be a much better year, and I see myself doing great things next year. When the girls start school in the fall, I will be going to college to study Respiratory Therapy, which after two years can land me in a career make 50K a year. I cannot wait to finally break the chains of poverty. I deserve it!